Have you ever had a dream that you couldn’t quite put your finger on? You know there’s something you want desperately, but you just can’t put your finger on what, so you try everything.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a combination ballerina/teacher/surgeon. I also loved climbing trees and playing sports as much as I enjoyed wearing pretty dresses. I’ve gone through life moving from one thing to another. This is maybe a result of spending a lifetime moving from one place to another, or perhaps simply who I am. I was a super smart student who dropped out of school, then went to college soon after to earn a business degree, only to end up working in higher education.
Soon after that, and with no experience or formal education in the subject, I became a writer and then the editor of an online magazine, and now I work in communications.
Coincidentally, or maybe not so much, the undefinable dream and the various careers, it’s all very similar to how I feel during PMS when I’m craving something and I’m not sure is so I eat EVERYTHING in sight. Literally. Fucking. Everything.
But I digress…
None of what I’ve done was ever intentional and much of it was in the background. In support of other people’s dreams. All of it just where I ended up after taking the many random paths on which my curiosity led me.
I turned 45 this year and have been feeling a little lost and to be honest, a little old (I know, I know, it’s not old). I’ve been watching friends and acquaintances whom I admire put themselves out there, admittedly with a little envy at their hustle & grind, and drive to create something to leave their mark on this world.
It’s not the bad envy, more the good for them, wish I had it in me, but I’ll just be over here seeing what show I can binge watch on Netflix because I’m too tired to do anything else after putting in the hours at my full-time gig.
And there are days when I think I’m okay with that. I convince myself that I’ve been successful in life, and just because others may not know about them or agree (a story for another day), it doesn’t change that.
But then, there are those days when I get real with myself and start giving myself a lecture.
Girl, what is wrong with you? 45 is not old. You’re not done. You still have talents, skills and most importantly, that curiosity and love for learning that always served you well. What you need is drive! What happened to you? You used to do things. You used to want to do things.
Okay, so that may not be exactly how it goes. My internal me is posturing. It’s close though.
I know I”m not done and that takes me back to where I started. That dream. The elusive one that I feel a desperate need to achieve, but can’t quite put my finger on. For the first time in my 45 years, after taking a random path I find that I am lost and don’t know where to go next. I’ve NEVER been intentional about my life and don’t know how to be.
Thankfully, I have a dear friend that reminded me, even if it wasn’t his intent, about being true to myself by going out there to try new things until something clicks. Basically, how I translated it is find another random path, but be intentional about it so that I don’t end up as a supporting player in someone else’s dream. It’s time for my dream.
So to me and anyone else struggling with, I share past me’s words:
“…we have the ability to pick ourselves up and get back on our paths despite the difficulties. Through those experiences we learn that being comfortable being content doesn’t necessarily bring a life of happiness. In the end we learn that taking a risk, and living a life of passion and action reaps the sweetest rewards.
Take a risk, speak your mind, follow your heart and allow the world make sense afterwards.”
A shoutout to all my friends “doing a thing” out there. Visit the home page and scroll down for Writers, Artists & More and click to learn more about their work and stay tuned as More than Latina begins to comes together.